9 Down 2 To Go

I can’t believe I am at this stage of my life now. I wouldn’t be surprised one day if the strangers passing by me on the street start asking, “Why aren’t you married yet?” and tell me “YOU NEED TO BE MARRIED!” with a thick Indian Accent. Why this crazy obsession on marriage! As I start hearing some of the horror stories, the only feeling that’s gripping me these days is, marriage is probably not the right way to go. Almost all my friends call me to complain (that’s putting it in mild terms) about married life. I hear people say things like, “I wish I was still single” or “I would have done that in a heartbeat if I was still single”. Don’t give me clichéd statements like, “You won’t realize it until after 5 or 10 years down the lane”. So what if I am single when I am 40? I promise I won’t blame any of you for it!
Recently, I feel people just get married to fight off boredom in life or fear of being alone. Once you are close to the big 3-0, everyone starts feeling like they can’t be alone anymore and it just follows a preconceived pattern from there. Once you get married, you get bored of each other in a couple of years and decide to have kids. Some people don’t even wait; the guys just let their swimmers loose like Michael Phelps and wait for the inevitable to happen, like it’s some world record to be broken. After the first kid and all the sleepless nights that come along with it, they wait precisely for 3 or 4 years, or for the next Olympics to start so they can begin breeding again. It’s hard enough with one kid and imagine life with two kids. Where is the time for you and your so-called companion? I was also one of them, but right now I don’t feel like I need someone to share my life with. I am not in a position to follow this pattern. As if there aren’t enough people telling me to get married, my dad’s side relatives have joined in to have some fun. They keep sending me emails like, “Believe in Jesus and he will find the right girl for you!” When exactly did Mr.Christ start running a matrimonial service? There are more chances of a Hispanic guy named Jesus finding me a girl.
Despite all the things that I mentioned here, I am not against getting married at all but I can’t get married just for the sake of it and hope for it to work. I am starting to feel like marriage is totally overrated. Age doesn’t matter, at least in this country. After all, isn’t this the land of opportunities ;-)? After all this, I might do a 180 degree turn tomorrow and decide to get an arranged marriage or fall head over heals for someone. Again, it will solely be MY decision. When that happens, I am sure every single one of you will be there to say, “I told you so!”. Watch me give a damn then!

P.S: In case you are wondering, what the hell the title is about, the numbers refer to my close friends.

My First drink! (in India)

As hard it is to believe, I have never had an alcoholic drink in India, until last November. At this time, I would like to mention that the dubious distinction of introducing me to alcoholic drinks goes to my best friend Karthik, who despite all the so-called bad habits manages to maintain a good name with the thaaikulam.I had the rare opportunity to stay in Chennai for 2 whole months last year. As I was enjoying homemade food, the walks to the beach and the unique Indian sweets such as Boli and kaju kathli, I had completely forgotten that I used to drink beer every weekend in Denver.
Suddenly we (my brother Pradeep, my cousin Rekha, her husband Guna, and I) decided to go to a high-end bar and have some drinks. We would have included my other best friend SP, but suddenly he decided to quit drinking, as he had promised his fiancee that he would never touch any alcoholic drink again in life (nalla iru da!!). I guess it was payback time for rejecting all his proposals to drink the previous year I was in Chennai. So, we decided to spend the whole day together without any perusus meddling in our affairs. I wanted to watch the movie "Polladhavan", but we couldn't get tickets to that movie and ended up watching "Kannamoochi Yenada", a completely average movie. At this point I should probably mention how the new theaters in chennai look amazingly similar to the ones here in the U.S of A. After the movie was over, we drove to a Hilton hotel (you heard me), right across the Meenambakaam runway and settled down comfortably. It was only 1:00PM in the afternoon. Slowly but steadily we started ordering beer, wine, hukka, cigarettes, side dishes (chicken 65, prawns etc,.). As the beer was getting to my head, I started showing my true colors. My cousin, who is actually my "Murai ponnu" was looking at me and my brother drinking non-stop. She could never believe that we are actually drinking. Before that day, we were just two innocent guys who could not even bite into a banana even it was fed to us. Exactly at this moment, yours truly decides to get all emotional, leading the people in the neighboring tables to believe that I was drunk.
First I started telling Guna how much my uncle wanted her daughter to be married to me. Then, I tell him that he is a very nice guy and he takes care of Rekha in a way that even I couldn't have. Pradeep realizes that I am about to cross the limit and interrupts saying, "Dei, adangu!!". I told him to shut up and continued blabbering more and more. Fortunately, I didn't say anything offensive, but by the time I was done, Rekha was crying. I thought I had said something wrong. Apparently, she felt so touched by my dialogues, she couldn't stop herself from crying!!! Atleast that's what she told me. By this time, I had chugged about 5 big bottles of Golden eagle LAGER (yes, it matters if it's lager or just the non-lager beer). So, it was time to run to the restroom and throw up. After clearing my tummy, we decided to go to the restaurant, in the same hotel. Again, we ordered so much food that it would be enough to feed a small village. I was sitting with my head on the table for the most part. I remember someone telling me to eat the mutton biriyani a couple of times. Once the feast was over, we drove over to my cousin's place to have some pure Madras filter coffee, which did help me and my brother a little bit to get rid of the mabbu. We got back home at around 9pm, only to be looked at suspiciously by our mom. On the whole, my first thanni in India was indeed a memorable one to the extent of putting it on my blog.

Moral of the story: (In Vairamuthu's voice) KUDI... Aanal kudi unnai kudithu vidadhapadi paarthukol!!

WHO killed my favorite actor?

Kamalhassan - The name that used to make many of us look up and wonder what he is up to now, has apparently gone missing since the release of Kuruthipunal, way back in 1996. Thinking back, I find it hard to point out when I became his fan or even why. As I was watching Dasavatharam, I was searching for my favorite actor, but I couldn't find him. I do not mean that in a complimentary way. Sure, the movie was entertaining and not as bad as some people seem to think it is but I really couldn't see the Kamalhassan who donned 4 different roles just with the help of a beard, whacky sideburns, an accent and some amazing variations in body language, in MMKR. These days he has to resort to prosthetic makeup, amateur graphics and Jackie chan to even promote his movies. What he doesn't realize is, we as fans and non-fans, only expect the simpest of movies from him, like Thevar Magan. For me, that is the best Kamalhassan movie ever, with an original storyline and a neat screenplay without any flaws. Nayagan will always be a close second, because it wasn't really a complete Kamalhassan movie.
I still remember the days when I went to watch Die Hard with a Vengenace twice, just to see the trailer of Kuruthipunal. The trailer itself was so thrilling, and made you sit up and take notice. One of my friends from Peter's Colony, who is a big Rajini fan said, "Ot**, K.S.Ravikumar soo*** madhiri padam eduthurukaan da (referring to Muthu), Kuruthipunal chance-a ille da". It gave me so much confidence that Tamil Cinema is in good hands and it's going to go places. Of course, I could get tickets for kuruthipunal at the counter easily during the second week and tickets for Muthu were hard to get even outside the counter. Somewhere after that, the perfectionaist in Kamalhassan died. Hey Ram and Virumandi are indeed good movies, but they really weren't simple by any means. They were contaminated with his own idealogies and principles. That's when I realized Kamal can never make a movie as a neutral person. Have you noticed, in every movie of his, there has to be a peeing scene or a supposedly comedy scene where he/someone else gets hit in the crotch? If that's going to be your trademark, then it ain't going to help you get any critical acclaim.
I watched Salangai Oli pretty late, like probably 10 years ago. I couldn't belive the fact that he did not get the National Award for that. The scene where he does Bharathanaatiyam, Kathak and Kathakali for the same two lines of the song is enough to say what kind of an actor he is. Who hasn't cried watching Moondram Pirai? Sridevi dominates throughout the movie and then in the last 5 minutes, Kamal shows everyone why he got his first National Award. If anyone here brings up Indian as one of his best movies, I will definitely put my foot up your ass for saying that. I watched that movie in Satyam theater with my "baalya snehidhargal", Karthik, SP and Balaji. When the lights came on for the intermission, I was wondering what the hell kind of a movie is this and I heard Balaji say to Karthik, "He will definitely get a National Award for this movie". I didn't say a word and Kamal did win a National Award. I remember Kamal once saying in an interview, "If mediocrity is our standard, then we will never make high quality movies". Well, Mr.Kamalhassan, mediocrity is present everywhere in your movies these days, please don't make it a standard. I want a movie like Kuruthipunal and Thevar Magan. All I am saying is, keep it simple, instead of talking about Chaos Theory and Butterfly effect! I am already hearing that there's going to be a whole bunch of graphics for his next movie Marmayogi and it only makes me nervous.

Drunken Monk(ey)!

These days, I don't seem to be writing unless I am drunk. Even if not completely drunk, it atleast takes 4 beers to be chugged before I can even think about writing. Last saturday, I started drinking without thinking about dinner. As beer after beer kept disappearing, I was getting a feeling that something is not right. It took 5 beers to sober me up and make me realize that I had absolutely nothing to eat. Right at that moment, I felt this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach (No silly, not that feeling!), universally known as hunger. The time was 10:45pm. I remembered the Chinese restaurant nearby closes at 11:00pm. Immediately I wore my pants (HEY, can't a man relax without his pants on?!) and rushed out to the restaurant. As I reached that place, the lady inside was switching off the lights one by one and she saw me standing outside. I asked her if they were closed, in sign language (I know, I am talented!). She must have thought I am deaf or something. She also waved her hands instructing me to come inside. I felt so embarrased to have walked in so late. The thought of apologizing and leaving immediately came to my mind as I know better than to mess with the people who handle my food. Even before I could finish saying, "I am sorry!", the lady handed me the menu. I was left with no other option and there I was, standing nervously with a menu, trying hard to focus on what I want to eat. That's when I noticed a guy walking out from the kitchen. He had his shirt lifted and was rubbing his tummy with his hand. That's when I started believing in God and started praying, sincerely hoping that he was not the cook. It also made me remember another incident. Last year, on a saturday, around noon, I came to this same place for lunch with some friends and all the people who work there were just standing outside and chatting. As I was about to enter the restaurant, one of the guys told me that the cook got drunk really bad the previous night, because it was the Chinese New Year and he still hadn't shown up. I was brought back to the present by the lady at the counter again, asking me if I had decided what I wanted. There was some relief to see that guy not going into the kitchen even after I ordered the food. After 10 minutes another lady appeared from the kitchen with my food. Again, I apologized to her for coming in so late. She gave very sweet smile and made a hand gesture like saying, "Oh don't worry about it!" (What's with all the hand gestures?). And then I did it. I gave her a hug. Yes. Before she could form an opinion of me or slap me, I walked out, with my SAFE food. Or, so I hope!

Irony is a BITCH!

That should have been the last line of my previous post. There was a reason why I never wrote about my days in Peter's colony. I knew it would always trigger something else or at least make me all nostalgic. Less than 24 hours after I write that, my ex-girlfriend comes online on Yahoo messenger after ages and starts talking to me. I got to know that she got married last year (let's just say I have my own sources). I felt happy for her that atleast one of us was married. She sent me some marriage/reception pictures and as I was looking at them, she tells me that she is pregnant with twins. As I was about to congratulate her, she says that the due date given by her doc is November 4th. I repeat, IRONY IS A BITCH!

Mottai maadi

So, I used to live in this place called Peter's Colony. For the people who don't know that this place even existed, this is the Government quarters next to the ever-expanding Sathyam Theater. Yes, I am talking about the old, dirty buildings called blocks. I lived in the 16th block. Besides playing cricket on any available space, with a tree as the stumps, we (me and my friends) also used to drool over all the girls, from the not-so-good looking to the average category. There was only one good looking girl, which made it unnecessary for a good-looking category to exist, and of course she was my girlfriend. She belonged to the I-am-unique category, with a boy-cut hairstyle and always wearing jeans-tshirt in a conservative enviromment, making people talk about her all the time. Ok, this post is not about her (it never will be).
After I started going to Santhome Higher Secondary School, I had to find a new set of friends, which was not really difficult with my shit jokes, or as Karthik would put it, "Kackoos Jokes". All the teachers seemed to think that I was the quiet type, while I was indeed the "oomai kusumbu" type. I'd do everything except getting caught. Oh no, I always left that part to the one sitting next to me. Karthik had been a victim one too many times and especially since he was not in good terms with the class asst-leader. As fate would have it, Karthik, SP and Balaji became my closest friends, despite my best efforts in stopping it from happening with my kadi jokes. Like any other group of friends, we started going to each other's houses and trying to act like good guys in front of the respective parents. So far, Karthik has been the clear winner in that category. He didn't have to try hard. I was only a matter of a few things, like getting the hightest marks in 12th standard and going to BITS for his Bachelors. He has the votes of the thaaikulam, always. On the other hand, I'd try all the gimmicks to be in the good books, like putting viboothi on my forehead and pammifying in front of my friends' parents, like Goundamani in Indian. I still don't know if it had any good effects at all. Somehow, SP didn't even have to do anything to get a bad name. Whatever he did ended up getting a bad rep for him. Lucky him!
Whenever my friends came to my house, I'd take them to the terrace/roof/mottai maadi of the 4-storey building. That is the only place where a teenager can enjoy all his freedom without worrying about good or bad impressions. The fact that there were girls on the terrace of the next block didn't hurt the spirits either. We would sit on the concrete water tank, which was atleast 6 feet higher than the floor of the terrace, and talk about, how Balaji was rejected by Laya, how he was pursued by chitra, how Malini broke up with him, how SP feels like he has joined the military with his dad's restrictions, how he is being sight adichufied by a chick from Rosary matric on the 12B bus (looks like I could have made a movie with that title first), how Karthik feels about marrying some unknown girl and living with her for a lifetime and how I wait for my girlfriend to come up to the terrace on her building everyday. Suddenly, SP would get all emotional and start saying things like, "Machaan, naama eppovume ippadiye irukkanum da. I hope we don't change after we get married because of our wives". It took a lot of effort at times like those to hold SP from jumping off the building. Thus, SP became the sentimental fool of our group.
Now, fast forward to 13 years later: Karthik is married and doing MBA at Kellogg. SP is married and working at Satyam, Chennai. Balaji is married, has a baby boy and working at IBM, Chennai. I am the odd SINGLE man out. Isn't it ironic (for lack of a better word) how life changes? Out of the four of us, I thought I'd be the first one to get married. Well, I did, but an Alaipaayudhe style register marriage doesn't count now, does it? C'est la vie!

Cheerleaders and 20/20

My buddy Shiva and I had a very insightful conversation about why cheerleaders look so out of place in cricket, despite the best efforts of Mr.Mallya and the Washington Redskins cheerleaders to make it look as sexy as possible. Here's what I think. American football is the manliest sport you can ever see in this world, with super-sized muscles and testosterone oozing out of every 10 yards on the field. When you watch something so manly, you tend to look for something that complements it, like for example, cheerleaders. They perfectly complete the circle by providing the necessary refreshments in between the grunts, helmet clashes and the pats on the back. Now, if you take Cricket or Soccer, it's not as testosterone-based as football, barring the headbutt by that French soccer player in the worldcup final. The manliest diplay I have ever seen in cricket is Venkatesh Prasad showing the dressing room to Aamir Sohail in the quarter finals of World Cup 1996. So, when you put a bunch of cheerleaders in the gentlemen's game of cricket, no matter where they are from, it only makes it look like a cheap stunt to get some attention.